My dad also e-mailed this commentary on the 2007 Notre Dame football season:

rPhone combines three delightfully diverse products into one awkward and cumbersome handheld contraption — a revolutionary steam-powered satellite phone, a stylish French musicbox, and a vibrasonic multi-purpose tool that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a Sonic Screwdriver. rPhone is the first portable telephone constructed of materials you’ve come to associate with progressive technology… from its exquisite rosewood paneling to the handsome brass frame, it shouts “This is the 18th century!” and “Gee, this thing sure is heavy!” and “What do you mean it costs $20,000??”.

Rest assured this is one phone you’ll never lose in a pocket (unless you have extremely fancy pants m’lord!) and best of all, rPhone provides an analogue interface that even the simplest of simpletons (like you! m’lord!) can comprehend! No more confusing menu screens or complicated keystrokes, rPhone is built for space pirates on the go!

Then I saw the video below, and realize that there is always someone out on the Internet willing to waste more time than I could ever spend.

Imagine my surprise when I came upon Elita’s very own page on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/elitaone85

Elita’s not the only Autobot who’s found MySpace – apparently every other Transformer has been added as one of her “friends”. I especially like the profiles that are written by the actual characters:

Unicron

Male
102 years old
Distant Galaxy

Unicron’s Interests
General: Eating Planets, wandering aimlessly through the universe, string art
Movies: Transformers The Movie, Rawhead Rex, XTRO 2, Intruder
Heroes: Me

Unicron’s Details
Status: Single
Hometown: Universe
Body type: Some extra baggage
Occupation: Planetary Consumption Specialist

Unicron’s Latest Blog Entry

I wish I could scratch my forehead. (view more)

WANTED: Multi-planet sized robotic body. (view more)

[View All Blog Entries]

Unicron’s Blurbs

About me: I’m a giant omnipotent robot. I like to eat planets.What more do you want?

Who I’d like to meet: Anyone who lives on a planet. A very large delicious planet.

Kind of nifty to see so many other people who enjoyed Transformers as much (or much, much more) than I did as a kid.

I felt like a real adult, switching off a trashy nighttime soap opera and turning on to intelligent news and commentary. But tonight’s Tivo’ed episode of 60 Minutes had some army guy droning on about the evils of Arab web sites followed by Sam Simon’s discussion of his passion for dog shows, so I turned off 60 Minutes to watch this instead:

WAY more interesting than Andy Rooney’s discussion of President’s, and Alpha Cat provides the raw emotional upheaval that Izzy’s character has lacked on Grey’s this season.

The video even has a cliffhanger about “Day 2,” leading into this happy ending:

Now THAT is compelling video.

I feel like I’ve slid backwards a bit on the evolutionary scale of video watchers, but if Alpha Cat and New Puppy ever get their own Adult Swim show, I’ll probably add it to Tivo and kick Andy Rooney & co. to the curb.

DO buy 1 lb haddock filets. DON’T buy them with the skins on. If you DO buy them as filets with the skins, DON’T try frying them anyway.

DO oil pan and set stove to med/hi. If directions then say “Step 2, spread breadcrumbs on bottom of pan,” DON’T believe the directions. What you really want to DO is put breadcrumbs in a dish so you can dip the haddock in the breadcrumbs. What you DON’T want to do is spread breadcrumbs on the bottom of a pan full of hot oil, since that will create a burnt brown substance not unlike charcoal molasses. If this happens, DO get another pan and put oil in it.

DO whisk 2 eggs. If the directions have this as step 3 (after oiling pan and spreading breadcrumbs), go back in time and rewrite directions so you whisk the eggs before getting the oil hot. If no time machine is available, DO whisk eggs as quickly and DO rewrite directions afterwards.

DO pour eggs in oval dish. If oval dish is not available, use regular dish.

DO use fork to pick up fish, cover in egg, then dip in breadcrumbs. If you have bought haddock filets with the skins on, DO wish you had bought them unskinned since the fork will probably be unable to poke through the skin. If skin is still on fish, DO think you’re an idiot. Then get cooking tongs of some sort and flip fish in oil.

DO remove fish from oil. DO continue frying 2 more pieces of fish. When you DO cut through the middle of the first piece and see the center is still raw fish, DO realize that haddock needs to be cut to about a half inch thick so that fish cooks all the way through and comes out as flaky white substance. DO go back in time and cut filets thinner cut. If time machine is still not available, DO cut the remaining piece in half and fry that. The final piece should come out much better than either of the previous 3.

DO try frying the first 3 pieces of fish to cook all the way through. If, at this point, fire alarm goes off, DON’T run back and forth between the fire alarm, the stove, and the windows. If you DO end up running around in a comical three waywind sprint, DON’T do it more than 3 times.

When the fire alarm finally shuts off, DO assess the damage survey the results. The first 3 burnt and yet raw filets may look like this:

The slightly better final filet should look like this:

Side by side comparison:

The rest of the kitchen may look like this:

Voila! DO sit at a bar counter and enjoy your meal. If necessary, DO throw out the fish and order Combination Special #6 from a local Chinese restraurant as a replacement.

Tune in next week, as we learn how to flambe Crepes Suzette. DO bring a fire extinguisher and DO come again!

Okay, he changed the theme and added a link to the Rally against Cancer, but still.

I also like the change of identity to just “Rooney.” Like Prince or Cher. I will add him to the growing pantheon of Great Rooneys Throughout the Ages.

Side note: Mickey Rooney has his own web site??? Web 2.0 gets more and more impressive each day.

The whole thing reminds me of a passage from my favorite book, The Moviegoer by Walker Percy:

Down I plunk myself with a liberal weekly at one of the massive tables, read it from cover to cover, nodding to myself whenever the writer scores a point. Damn right, old son, I say, jerking my chair in approval. Pour it on them. Then up and over to the rack for a conservative monthly and down in a fresh cool chair to join the counterattack. Oh ho, say I, and hold fast to the chair arm: that one did it: eviscerated! And then out and away into the sunlight, my neck prickling with satisfaction.

It’s the argument itself that entertains, not the quality or content of the debate.

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